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Its 5:40 in the morning and I am still up.� I am not sure if I got a lot on my mind or have done too little in the day to call it quits.� I finally got time to be home with the wife and spend time with her and all I can do is tuck her in and stay up bullshiting on the computer to the wee hours of the morning.� I think there is something wrong with that picture, i should be asleep but i am now just typing nonsense on this journal.

I got in to Boca yestarday morning at 5:30am after getting off of work at 2:30, yes i am crazy but it beats fighting traffic during the day.� So anyways i got in, passed out... And got a rude awaken yet again at 10:00am, a call from my work saying my license expires tommorrow and I need to get it renewed. Well F#$@ I in Boca, I have to take a 16 hr course before I can do that, and I have doctor appointments and crap all this trip already planned so I spent the next 3 hrs frantically searching for training places, and manuevering schedules, until i beleive I fixed it all.� I just managed to get my job back and pseudo moved back up to Orlando, when all this BS starts up again, and almost screwed that all up.

I swear everything I have is because I broke my back, and put in sweat, blood, and tears into just to scrape by, and I get this stupid BS coming around...�When will I ever get a good call, or in other words things that will go my way without all the back breaking effort.

It is sad, like I have posted before, all my effort and everything I have accomplished feels like I have gone nowhere, until I see something come back in return in my hands, not just some promises and waning hope, I dont think I will truely be happy.� I will admit sometimes, when I am out with my friends when I get the chance to I feel really good around them, but I feel I am putting on a mask (smiling when I am not really happy) because I dont want to kill those good moments, but I guess thats depression for you.

I dont want to be that way... I did that cherade�8 years ago and I dont want to go through that ever again.� I do have happiness dont get me wrong,�but I am starting to lose my faith (not in a religious sense).� I am starting to lose my mild passiveness and my large optomistism and I afraid what I will be when it is gone.� I know I have a lot a people there for me in my life, but I have always felt that you need to always be self-reliant that I will be a good tool in your future and I have always tried to live that way (while not trying to shut anyone out), and I guess my question is "Where does that leave you when you fail yourself"

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Whatapos;s stood out for you most so far, and why? When are you happiest, and why?

What has stood out for me the most so far in terms of my research is my growth in transcribing. I�transcribed a small piece of video for Professor Mandelbaum in her honorapos;s seminar and not to long ago I�pulled up what I�had done and compared it to the transcript I�am currently working on.� There is definitely a difference. I�am more confident in my transcribing abilities and am pleased to have found a strategy that works best for my transcribing. What also has stood out for me is Professor Mandelbaumapos;s accessibility. I�know that another research group that meets with mine for Megan had mentioned that it is hard getting in touch with the professor they are researching for, which makes me appreciate Professor Mandelbaum all the more.

I am assuming that the latter question is pertaining to the research for Professor Mandelbaum. I�am happiest when I�am able to transcribe efficiently and am able to have a sharp ear. I�am also happiest when there is only one person speaking at a time and they are speaking very clearly, which makes life all the easier.

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Thereapos;s a Goffins here who is plucking and the owners are trying to rehome her. I have no experience with Goffins at all, but Iapos;m a little partial to the nekkid guys. Iapos;ve asked all the questions, and am waiting for reply (vet check? cage size? anything change? age? etc) BUT I want to ask the Goffins owners EVERYTHING.

I have some experience with rescuing and rehoming the larger Toos (moluccans and U2s, only) and I know the smaller guys are different. So, can I have every bit of information you guys have? Any good web sites?

We have a 12-year-old female ekkie, by the way, who is a recovering feather plucker and a current feather picker. (points to icon)

Weapos;re not committed yet, but I want to be prepared Thanks

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My emotions are so mixed up right now. I want to laugh. I want to cry. I want to shout with rage at the top of my lungs and break things. I want to bury myself in my room and withdraw from the world entirely. My stomach is so churned up I feel sick.

It is Momapos;s birthday today. I called her to wish her happy birthday and to check and see if she got the bouquet of flowers I ordered. She said she did, and "thank you it is beautiful". Then she went on to tell me that she drove herself to the post office to get stamps and got a ticket for parking. This is a woman whose Alzheimerapos;s is progressing and should not ever be behind the wheel of a car. She kept trying to tell me more details, and I just kept saying, "Mom, I donapos;t want to know." From the way it sounds, she did something with her parking that was really crazy, because she said she came out and there were cop cars around her car. That the cops were asking her if she was on medications, and ended up having to call my brother because she was all confused. Iapos;m going to call my brother tomorrow and find out more accurately what happened, and ask why she still has her car keys.

I hate Alzheimerapos;s I hate it Hate it Hate it
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Iapos;ve decided that I want to read all the pulitzer prize winning books in order of date. Iapos;ve only read two or three nn my whole life (including Now in November, by Josephine Johnson). So right now Iapos;m reading the first winner. I have to read it online because my local library system doesnapos;t have it :/
Just because it won some big prize, doesnapos;t mean anyone reads it anymore. Well, Now in November was hella depressing, so it doesnapos;t surprise me if no one reads that one anymore.

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Iapos;ve never been so happy to get a check in the mail Looks like I will more than likely be able to go to the last DG at the Glas Kat XD Although my DG peeps wanted to buy some artwork from me that would certainly help. Nudge nudge....wink wink...

Job hunty-ness is blargh. I just want a job where I can make music compilations. Or maybe play with puppies all day. Or watch Buffy all day mmmmmm Xander....

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�my ex doesnapos;t even TALK�to you anymore, but still you manage to piss me the FUCK off with how fake you are. All you are is a fucking coke head wannabe, cutting, manipulative whore and thatapos;s all you ever will be. You jump from fad to fad to fad until the next one comes along, and then you buy everything thatapos;s associated, that you can get your greasy little hands on. Itapos;s hard to make me COMPLETELY�hate someone, but I COMPLETELY�fucking hate you, and everything about you. You think you can just get a haircut and be accepted?�the only people who will fucking accept you either want a peice of your banged out cunt or are total fucking airheads, just like you. You deserve nothing more than a fucking knife to the pussy, you worthless peice of shit. I hope you fucking realize this shit on your deathbed when itapos;s too late to fucking know how much of a douchebag you are.

this isnapos;t jealousy. Itapos;s truth.
iapos;d rather be fat and real than fucking tiny and fake.
because thatapos;s all you are. Tiny in every aspect.
tiny in mind, tiny in soul, tiny in body.
fucking worthless.
i want to fucking tear people like you apart.
you donapos;t deserve to live.

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Sooooo, Fall Out Boy is pretty much awesome.
Actually, PATRICK is awesome.
You canapos;t deny it.
Heapos;s a musical genius. Pete is nothing, seriously.
Anyway, I memorized apos;Headfirst Slide Into Copperstown On A Bad Betapos; in ONE day.
Yes, I suck. But I canapos;t help it Patrickapos;s voice is magical. :D

Anyway, Iapos;m not a big fan of Twilight (am not interested in both books or movie) BUT Taylor Lautner (Jacob) is SO CUTE Even more so than Robert Pattinson.
Maybe Iapos;ll go see Twilight by the intention of wanting to watch Taylor. Iapos;ll endure it. ;D

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I get to play Computer Geek to the man across the street. Heapos;s a nice guy, his wifeapos;s over in Afghanistan, heapos;s stuck with 2 little boys all by himself, and (I think) his Father in Law comes over sometimes to help... The man is also old enough to be my father, and NOT someone I have any interest in. Heapos;s asked if I can come help him hook up to the internet, because he doesnapos;t know how. Hereapos;s hoping I can.
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