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Its 5:40 in the morning and I am still up.� I am not sure if I got a lot on my mind or have done too little in the day to call it quits.� I finally got time to be home with the wife and spend time with her and all I can do is tuck her in and stay up bullshiting on the computer to the wee hours of the morning.� I think there is something wrong with that picture, i should be asleep but i am now just typing nonsense on this journal.

I got in to Boca yestarday morning at 5:30am after getting off of work at 2:30, yes i am crazy but it beats fighting traffic during the day.� So anyways i got in, passed out... And got a rude awaken yet again at 10:00am, a call from my work saying my license expires tommorrow and I need to get it renewed. Well F#$@ I in Boca, I have to take a 16 hr course before I can do that, and I have doctor appointments and crap all this trip already planned so I spent the next 3 hrs frantically searching for training places, and manuevering schedules, until i beleive I fixed it all.� I just managed to get my job back and pseudo moved back up to Orlando, when all this BS starts up again, and almost screwed that all up.

I swear everything I have is because I broke my back, and put in sweat, blood, and tears into just to scrape by, and I get this stupid BS coming around...�When will I ever get a good call, or in other words things that will go my way without all the back breaking effort.

It is sad, like I have posted before, all my effort and everything I have accomplished feels like I have gone nowhere, until I see something come back in return in my hands, not just some promises and waning hope, I dont think I will truely be happy.� I will admit sometimes, when I am out with my friends when I get the chance to I feel really good around them, but I feel I am putting on a mask (smiling when I am not really happy) because I dont want to kill those good moments, but I guess thats depression for you.

I dont want to be that way... I did that cherade�8 years ago and I dont want to go through that ever again.� I do have happiness dont get me wrong,�but I am starting to lose my faith (not in a religious sense).� I am starting to lose my mild passiveness and my large optomistism and I afraid what I will be when it is gone.� I know I have a lot a people there for me in my life, but I have always felt that you need to always be self-reliant that I will be a good tool in your future and I have always tried to live that way (while not trying to shut anyone out), and I guess my question is "Where does that leave you when you fail yourself"

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